Holy Crap

Wow I don’t even know where to begin. So much has been going on in my life and it can be hard to keep it all straight so I thought I would get all my thoughts out and express them here. First of all, today. Today has been a long day. I register for classes tomorrow and am stressed about getting into the classes I need, and then for the kicker. My sisters and I had to vote on something serious in my chapter tonight and we all did so, and then I got a text from my big saying that I was telling my friend in a different sorority about the confidential topic we voted on, which I wasn’t and I’m really stressed out because I don’t want people thinking I told others when I didn’t and that they can’t trust me. I put the confidentiality of my sisters and the reputation of my chapter above anything else and I am mad that people think I am telling others something secret. I don’t really know what to do besides tell me people I didn’t tell anyone. I don’t even know how I got into this mess and I just really want this week to be over so I can home this weekend and see my family.

On top of all that, my best friend Gabby has been withdrawing from me because she is stressed and I don’t know what to do because I also have a lot going on and have to deal with my obligations and try to be there for her and it’s hard and I don’t think I’m doing a good job. I want this semester to be over and I just want to go home.

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Changing Friendships

We’ve all been there before. You’re best friends with someone and all of a sudden, slowly and without you noticing, things start to change and you two start drift. This isn’t always bad but it can be sad, especially when you don’t know why.

Unfortunately this is happening to me as I sit here and write this post. Ever since my best friend got a boyfriend, she has been drifting from me. Which, in all honesty, is to be expected because they want to spend time together and it’s a new relationship. But even when the two of hang out, it’s different and I can always tell that her mind is somewhere else.

I think that this gets to me so much because whenever there is a guy in my life, I make such an effort to not make my friends feel left out or uncomfortable because I’ve been there before and it’s such a shitty feeling. And, in all honesty, chances are that they’ll break up and you want your friends there for you when that happens.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this but I am going to text her tonight and tell her how I feel. Wish me luck.

 

Quick Update

Hey everyone, long time no talk! I know it’s been over a week since I’ve posted and that I shouldn’t make any excuses, so I’m not going to, just wanted to quickly say hi and update what’s been going on in my life.

Things have been kind of crazy the last two weeks and a lot has changed in such a short time. First of all, I have been so busy with my sorority and have been doing something with my sisters every day, which is tiring, but also so much fun and I love becoming closer with all the girls in my pledge class. Through these events everyday, I’ve formed a friendship with Sarah and Elizabeth and we hang out and go to the house together and, we’ve all decided to room together next year! I’m so excited for that and so happy to have found my niche of friends in my sorority.

On a different note, things have changed pretty quickly with Colleen and I. She has been having a lot of doubts about her sorority and is having a hard time finding friends while Gabby and I are quickly making friends. This often leaves her with nothing to do on the weekends and she just watches Netflix alone all night. And don’t get me wrong, I love a night in every once in awhile, but that’s all she’s done for the past three weekends because she has nothing else to do. Unfortunately, this makes her really clingy with Gabby and I and causes me to feel like I’m being suffocated and that I can’t talk to her about my sorority because I don’t want to make her feel bad. Gabby and I have also become closer in the time this distance has formed with Colleen because we have bonded over our feelings about this situation, and Colleen has expressed to us how this makes her feel left out. In my opinion, there is not much I can do about that because I’m not her mom and It’s not my responsibility to make friends for her. I don’t know, I’ll just see what happens.

Besides that, everything has been going really well! I’m loving all of my classes, loving my new friends, and loving being busy! Yay!

 

 

My Weekend

I feel like this post is more of a diary than anything else, but I really wanted to record what happened this weekend because I felt like I grew a lot over these past two days. I didn’t hang out with my two best friends at all this weekend, and I wanted it to be that way. No, we’re not in a fight and I still saw them and love them, but I put myself out there and invited some of my sisters to hang out this weekend instead of staying in my comfort zone. This was our first time hanging out together outside of events at the house and it went really well. On Friday, I was sooo busy. I had class from 9-12, counseling from 1-2, volunteering from 2:30-5, then a bunch of Pi Phi’s went out to ice cream, then straight to the house for a movie, then to one of the girls dorm to watch a movie, then we went out to a party. It was an extremely long day but I am so happy that I went to the volunteer event and the movie because the rest of the night wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t put myself into situations like that. Then on Saturday, Gabby and Colleen were going to a closed party so I texted this girl Sarah whose in my pledge class and asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said sure, (thank god), and the two of us, another Pi Phi, and Sarah’s roommate, went to a party. Honestly, the party was lame and the drinks weren’t good, so we didn’t stay for long. But instead of going our separate ways at 11 on a Saturday night, we went up to Sarah’s room and just talked. I also met their friend Emma who is really nice.

It was such a good weekend because I feel much more confident in my ability to make friends in my sorority  and that I am starting to form friendships with girls I really like. Also, I usually don’t text people first and ask if they want to hang out, so I am really proud of myself for doing that. Go me! 🙂

My First College Frat Party

It was a Friday night on campus and my friends and I were at a concert Ke$ha was putting on at our school. Going out hadn’t really crossed my mind and I had never felt a desire to go to a party. When I was at the concert, I ran into a friend who was a sophomore and she tipsily told me where the parties were tonight. I laughed and played along, thanking her and then turning to my friends. “Why don’t we go to a party?” I asked Colleen. “If we don’t like it, then we’ll just leave. We don’t even have to drink.”

We bravely walked up the painted sidewalk of Sigma Chi that night with two of our guy friends for protection. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I was sure the guys at the door would turn us away. Little did I know at that time, girls never get turned away from parties. The four of us walked into the basement of the house and was immediately assaulted with the hot, steamy, air of a frat party along with the smell of sweat and alcohol all mixed together. I was handed a beer as I walked down the stairs and I started to take a drink, unsure what to do with my hands and in need of some courage. I had made a rookie mistake, wearing jeans to a party. Even though it was chilly outside, I started sweating before I even made it to the basement due to the throngs of people pushing their way up and down the stairs and the mass of people dancing in the center of the basement. We didn’t stay for long, after an hour and one beer, I was ready to go and find somewhere to cool off. All in all my first frat party was pretty anticlimactic, which I think is a good thing. No crazy stories or bad experiences, just a nervous freshman unsure of what to expect. Unknown to me at the time, I would become very comfortable at Sig Chi. img_3224

Learning To Be Comfortable Alone

This is a hard thing to talk about, but when I mean alone, I don’t mean romantically alone or not having any friends, I mean physically being alone. This is something that is really looked down upon in America, especially for college students. Being alone is seen as being weird, having no one who wants to spend time with you, or being an outcast. But chances are, if you’re doing something alone, there’s a perfectly good reason for it and it doesn’t mean you’re weird and have no friends. And if you like to do things alone, then go for it, and if you don’t have any friends to do things with, that’s okay too! Being alone is not bad, and that is something that I am having a really hard time dealing with in college. I think this goes back to high school because I was literally never alone in high school. I was surrounded by people from 8 to 3 at school, then went to practice until 6, and then spent the evening with my family or friends. Then when I came to college and only had one or two classes a day, I suddenly had all this time to fill and no one to fill it with. And this doesn’t mean I don’t have friends, I do, but they are people with busy lives and aren’t there to spend time with me whenever I am not with other people. This was such a difficult transition for me to make and is one that I’m still trying to learn how to deal with. I think it’s because being alone makes me feel alone and makes me think too much. I get inside my own head and make my anxiety worse for no reason. If I’m alone most of the day, say I go to class, grab some lunch, head to the library, eat a snack, go to my dorm, and don’t see my friends until dinner time because they have classes, clubs, and homework too, I always feel really alone, sad, and that I don’t have anyone. This is strange for me to experience because I’ve always considered myself leaning more towards being an introvert, and I think I still am, but I’m learning that I need some time throughout the day to feel connected with other people and have a face to face interaction. Sometimes being alone can feel like it will never end that it’s as big as the ocean, but I have to learn that it’s okay being alone and that it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Spending the day alone isn’t weird and spending a weekend alone is fine if that’s what you need. Do what you need to so that you feel happy and loved. College is all about learning about yourself and bettering yourself. Keep learning that it’s okay to be alone.

Spending a Night In At College

You mean to tell me that you’re a college freshman and don’t party every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday? Honestly, the answer for me and so many other college students is no.

Let me preface this by saying one thing. I go to parties, I like to party, I like to drink, and I have nothing against people who do it more than me or don’t do it at all. But here’s the thing, I don’t like to party everyday of every weeked. It’s exhausting and sometimes I just want to spend a night in with a movie, a facemask, and some ice cream.

A night in looks different for everyone, sometimes it’s a movie night with my girlfriends, others it’s a spa night just for me. And while it may not be as talked about as partying, it is so important to take care of yourself and show yourself some love if you feel that you need to. There is nothing wrong with staying in, let me repeat that. There is nothing wrong with staying in. Honestly, no one cares and even if they did, why should you. Do what you want, whether it’s partying every weekend, not at all, or somewhere in between.

I’ve had a really long week and plan on staying in this Friday and I am looking forward to it. 🙂

Why I Want To Be An Elementary School Teacher

Just like every little girl, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I said a teacher. I adored my teachers when I was younger and believed that they could do no wrong. As I grew up and had to think practically about what I wanted to do as a career, I realized that I did want to be a teacher. I love kids more than I love adults and their creativity, endless love, imagination, and unquenchable desire to learn. So when I was in high school, I was in a great class that allowed to student teach in a third grade classroom with my old third grade teacher. It was so much fun to go into the classroom everyday and work with these children who just want to make you happy. Going to see them was the highlight of my day and I realized that teaching was what I wanted to do with my life.

I love kids more than I can express and I can’t wait to be back in the classroom working and inspiring kids again.

To My College Friends

Where do I even begin. In the short time that I have known you, you have made me feel at home at this strange place and we have created so many memories that I know will last a lifetime. It all started that one karaoke night during welcome week when Colleen knew this random kid named Ivan who lived in the basement and his room had been flooded because of all the rain. We asked this basically stranger if he wanted to sleep on our floor and he agreed. Looking back, this was not a smart decision. Two girls inviting a random guy to sleep in their room is a recipe for disaster. Although I wouldn’t recommend it, it all ended up working out because that’s how Collen (my roommate) and I met three of our best friends, Ivan, Ryan, and Michael. We met Gabby later in the semester, well, I had known her all semester because she was in my math group, but we had never talked outside of class even though Colleen, Gabby, and I all lived in the same unit. Then one random Friday after class, she asked if I wanted to go to the mall with her to help her find lingerie for this guy she was seeing. Sidenote, why do I meet my friends in the weirdest ways? We immediately clicked and literally ever since that one day, the three of us girls have been inseparable. Gabby was the thing missing in our friend group, she was outgoing, brave, and so loving. When she met the guys, I was so happy to see how quickly they become friends and acted like she was there since the beginning of the semester, no weirdness at all.

As much as I write about missing home and missing my family, these weirdos are the reason I am still at Butler today and the reason I am still (slightly) sane. I love these five people more than I can put into words. They have been there for my on every step of this journey and even though I know things will change next year when we all live in separate buildings/houses, we will always remain friends because of the things we have gone through and the memories we have made. I just wanted to say, thank you.

To The Student’s Who Don’t Love College But Attend Anyway

*Gasp* I know what you’re thinking. How could an 18 year old, smart, passionate, and driven girl not love college? Well, it’s possible, and here I am, an 18 year old, smart, passionate, and driven girl who doesn’t love college. By no means does this mean I hate college, it just means that I like college, just don’t love it.

I love my friends and I love my major, but I also hate that I still have to waste money on taking general education classes that have no relevance to my major and that I’m not interested in. I thought I was done taking classes that weren’t important to my future in high school, but I still have to do that in college while paying an ungodly amount of money to do it. I could graduate in two and half, to three years if I didn’t have to take general ed classes and annoys me every time I step into those classrooms. Also, I wish I hadn’t gone so far away from home. This one is more a personal regret but three hours away is too far for me and I don’t love college because I never get to see my parents or my family.

None of this means I am dropping out of college or transferring back home, though sometimes I wish I could. All this means is that I am aware of the insane societal pressure to attend college and love every second, even though you will be in debt forever because of it and it doesn’t make sense that a college degree determines the success of your entire life. So, I guess all I’m trying to say is, try to see it from someone else’s point of view when they say they like college, they just don’t love it.